Maybe I Just Don't See the Reason...

...but in the corner of my heart your ignorance is treason.

As of this moment, I am broken. And because of that fact I may have committed an egregious relationship sin. I told her I love her in a text message. I'm pretty sure that's not how that's supposed to work... I don't even know why I did it, except I was so desperate and emotional because of the course of our relationship over the past several days. There's nothing more painful than not understanding why.

Your ignorance is treason.

M can be as depressed as she wants. She can take as much time as she feels she needs to wallow alone in self-pity, locked in her cave-like apartment. She can even refuse to talk to me and anyone else for days at a time. But it is not ok for her to do this. It is not ok to just drop me one day without a word as to why or how long this might last. Even a phone call saying, "You know, honey, I'm not doing too great right now. It doesn't have anything to do with you or us, but I just need some time to myself for awhile. But I promise I'll call you as soon as this passes," would be fine. But I got nothing. I got unanswered phone calls and unreturned text messages. And do you know what happens when my girlfriend of 5 months starts not answering my phone calls and not returning my text messages?

I FREAK OUT!

All I can think about is how maybe she's reevaluating our relationship and she doesn't think she wants to be with me anymore. Or that I did something wrong and she doesn't love me anymore. Or that she all of a sudden realized that our relationship was progressing and it frightened her and now she's going to push me away. Because she is pushing me away and she's not even giving me a reason, even if it's a weak reason. Maybe I'm wrong but I think I deserve a reason and a phone call every so often letting me know she's still fucking alive.

And I told her I love her...in a text message...

I still don't really know what I was thinking. And I haven't heard from her since. I'm hoping she just went to bed before I sent it. I'm hoping I didn't fuck things up.

But in the corner of my heart your ignorance is treason.

-ChatNoir