...we want a riot for romance!
I wasn't silly for worrying...I think I had legitimate concerns. But it's still crazy to think how quickly circumstances can change. This time yesterday I was a basketcase wondering if our relationship was seriously in trouble. Today I'm on top of the world!
She said it back!
In the words of the eloquent E.D. (no relation to erectile dysfunction...I don't think...) "Aww, you guys have broken the l-word seal!" Indeed we have! And I've never felt so elated. It's the most amazing feeling in the world to wake up next to the one you love and be able to say it to her and hear it back. As of today, M and I have been together for 5 months, and it's been the best 5 months (you know, excepting a day or two) I could ever imagine.
I'm in love! She's in love! WE'RE IN LOVE!
-ChatNoir-
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I Don't Want to Wind Up...
...being parted, broken-hearted.
I just got an interview for SafeHouse Center's open position for a Domestic Violence Legal Advocate for the 14-1 and 14-2 district courts. It would pay $22,000 annually, plenty to cover rent and living expenses while I'm in school. I should be thrilled about this. Unfortunately, I think depression ravages like bullets and I stood in the crossfire.
Everything I do this week is tainted by this constant nagging, lonely unease that I just can't shake. After Michelle, I never wanted to fall for someone like this again. I never wanted to feel like my world would end if I couldn't be with that person. I'm independent and resourceful and smart as hell...and I'm scared to death of losing her.
I got over Michelle fine enough, but that girl fucked me up in ways I didn't realize until now. I am thoroughly and utterly convinced that everything is my fault. I know in my head it isn't true- I mean, it was clearly Michelle who ruined our relationship, something for which I am eternally grateful (trust me, I dodged a bullet with that one...). But now that M has started pulling away a little, for whatever reason, my gut keeps telling me that it's because of something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say. It's because I wasn't supportive enough or I was too clingy. Because I wasn't there enough or didn't know when to leave. Because I was too aloof or too present. Either way, whatever the reason, I'm to blame for what's going on.
It's hell on Earth to not know what's going on with a relationship. I don't want things to end- I want to be with M for a long time. But why is this going on so long? Why won't she talk to me? Why won't she respond to my messages? I haven't contacted her since "the incident" last night- I wanted to give her space and I was hoping she'd contact me of her own volition. So far...nothing. I wonder how much longer my nerves will hold out...
-ChatNoir-
I just got an interview for SafeHouse Center's open position for a Domestic Violence Legal Advocate for the 14-1 and 14-2 district courts. It would pay $22,000 annually, plenty to cover rent and living expenses while I'm in school. I should be thrilled about this. Unfortunately, I think depression ravages like bullets and I stood in the crossfire.
Everything I do this week is tainted by this constant nagging, lonely unease that I just can't shake. After Michelle, I never wanted to fall for someone like this again. I never wanted to feel like my world would end if I couldn't be with that person. I'm independent and resourceful and smart as hell...and I'm scared to death of losing her.
I got over Michelle fine enough, but that girl fucked me up in ways I didn't realize until now. I am thoroughly and utterly convinced that everything is my fault. I know in my head it isn't true- I mean, it was clearly Michelle who ruined our relationship, something for which I am eternally grateful (trust me, I dodged a bullet with that one...). But now that M has started pulling away a little, for whatever reason, my gut keeps telling me that it's because of something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say. It's because I wasn't supportive enough or I was too clingy. Because I wasn't there enough or didn't know when to leave. Because I was too aloof or too present. Either way, whatever the reason, I'm to blame for what's going on.
It's hell on Earth to not know what's going on with a relationship. I don't want things to end- I want to be with M for a long time. But why is this going on so long? Why won't she talk to me? Why won't she respond to my messages? I haven't contacted her since "the incident" last night- I wanted to give her space and I was hoping she'd contact me of her own volition. So far...nothing. I wonder how much longer my nerves will hold out...
-ChatNoir-
Maybe I Just Don't See the Reason...
...but in the corner of my heart your ignorance is treason.
As of this moment, I am broken. And because of that fact I may have committed an egregious relationship sin. I told her I love her in a text message. I'm pretty sure that's not how that's supposed to work... I don't even know why I did it, except I was so desperate and emotional because of the course of our relationship over the past several days. There's nothing more painful than not understanding why.
Your ignorance is treason.
M can be as depressed as she wants. She can take as much time as she feels she needs to wallow alone in self-pity, locked in her cave-like apartment. She can even refuse to talk to me and anyone else for days at a time. But it is not ok for her to do this. It is not ok to just drop me one day without a word as to why or how long this might last. Even a phone call saying, "You know, honey, I'm not doing too great right now. It doesn't have anything to do with you or us, but I just need some time to myself for awhile. But I promise I'll call you as soon as this passes," would be fine. But I got nothing. I got unanswered phone calls and unreturned text messages. And do you know what happens when my girlfriend of 5 months starts not answering my phone calls and not returning my text messages?
I FREAK OUT!
All I can think about is how maybe she's reevaluating our relationship and she doesn't think she wants to be with me anymore. Or that I did something wrong and she doesn't love me anymore. Or that she all of a sudden realized that our relationship was progressing and it frightened her and now she's going to push me away. Because she is pushing me away and she's not even giving me a reason, even if it's a weak reason. Maybe I'm wrong but I think I deserve a reason and a phone call every so often letting me know she's still fucking alive.
And I told her I love her...in a text message...
I still don't really know what I was thinking. And I haven't heard from her since. I'm hoping she just went to bed before I sent it. I'm hoping I didn't fuck things up.
But in the corner of my heart your ignorance is treason.
-ChatNoir
As of this moment, I am broken. And because of that fact I may have committed an egregious relationship sin. I told her I love her in a text message. I'm pretty sure that's not how that's supposed to work... I don't even know why I did it, except I was so desperate and emotional because of the course of our relationship over the past several days. There's nothing more painful than not understanding why.
Your ignorance is treason.
M can be as depressed as she wants. She can take as much time as she feels she needs to wallow alone in self-pity, locked in her cave-like apartment. She can even refuse to talk to me and anyone else for days at a time. But it is not ok for her to do this. It is not ok to just drop me one day without a word as to why or how long this might last. Even a phone call saying, "You know, honey, I'm not doing too great right now. It doesn't have anything to do with you or us, but I just need some time to myself for awhile. But I promise I'll call you as soon as this passes," would be fine. But I got nothing. I got unanswered phone calls and unreturned text messages. And do you know what happens when my girlfriend of 5 months starts not answering my phone calls and not returning my text messages?
I FREAK OUT!
All I can think about is how maybe she's reevaluating our relationship and she doesn't think she wants to be with me anymore. Or that I did something wrong and she doesn't love me anymore. Or that she all of a sudden realized that our relationship was progressing and it frightened her and now she's going to push me away. Because she is pushing me away and she's not even giving me a reason, even if it's a weak reason. Maybe I'm wrong but I think I deserve a reason and a phone call every so often letting me know she's still fucking alive.
And I told her I love her...in a text message...
I still don't really know what I was thinking. And I haven't heard from her since. I'm hoping she just went to bed before I sent it. I'm hoping I didn't fuck things up.
But in the corner of my heart your ignorance is treason.
-ChatNoir
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
You Might Be the One...
...that I've been searching for.
I made M a card and taped it to her door to find. How mind-barfingly romantic of me... What can I say- I love the girl.
You might be the strange delightful.
How incredible to think that this could be the relationship to end all relationships- the one that make or breaks me, sink or swim mothafuckas. Everytime someone gets married I think, "How the hell did that happen?" Do they really think all this stuff through or do they simply go with the emotions and hope for the best? Most married couples I know were together less than 2 years when they got engaged. How are you supposed to know at a year and a half that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
You might be the girl that shall end all girls.
5 months on Friday...and I often think M might be the one. But it scares me to make that kind of commitment to someone after such a short amount of time. I mean, how much can you really learn about a person in 5 months? I know how she likes her tea, I know that her favorite thing to sleep in is her Taste My Rainbow shirt, I know that she would cry like a girl if she ever met Trent Reznor and that her mom means more to her than she'll ever say out loud. But I don't know why she does half the things she does. And I don't know whether or not I should.
You might be the sweet unspiteful.
I want to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with one person and live happily ever after. I want to feel loved every day and know that I am completely in love. I don't want to become jaded and love-shy because I've been hurt. But how does one keep from getting hurt? And how does one know when to put down the gate, drain the moat, and let someone in?
-ChatNoir-
I made M a card and taped it to her door to find. How mind-barfingly romantic of me... What can I say- I love the girl.
You might be the strange delightful.
How incredible to think that this could be the relationship to end all relationships- the one that make or breaks me, sink or swim mothafuckas. Everytime someone gets married I think, "How the hell did that happen?" Do they really think all this stuff through or do they simply go with the emotions and hope for the best? Most married couples I know were together less than 2 years when they got engaged. How are you supposed to know at a year and a half that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
You might be the girl that shall end all girls.
5 months on Friday...and I often think M might be the one. But it scares me to make that kind of commitment to someone after such a short amount of time. I mean, how much can you really learn about a person in 5 months? I know how she likes her tea, I know that her favorite thing to sleep in is her Taste My Rainbow shirt, I know that she would cry like a girl if she ever met Trent Reznor and that her mom means more to her than she'll ever say out loud. But I don't know why she does half the things she does. And I don't know whether or not I should.
You might be the sweet unspiteful.
I want to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with one person and live happily ever after. I want to feel loved every day and know that I am completely in love. I don't want to become jaded and love-shy because I've been hurt. But how does one keep from getting hurt? And how does one know when to put down the gate, drain the moat, and let someone in?
-ChatNoir-
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
If You're Not Angry...
...then you're just stupid or you don't care.
The elusive M has been located. Apparently she didn't go headfirst down the stairs or slash her wrists in the bathtub...she just turned off her phone and forgot to turn it back on. She apparently didn't realize that anyone would be looking for her.
Um...HELLO!
In case she's forgotten, I'm here to remind her that she has a girlfriend who was worried sick for 19 hours because her emotional girlfriend forgot to turn on her fucking phone!
I wouldn't be so angry if I just didn't give a shit...right Ani?
It's pretty hard to stay pissed at someone who sounded so pathetic though. She's got to get this depression madness under control. I love her to death but I can't honestly commit myself forever- and- ever- Amen to a relationship where once every few weeks I'll be physically and emotionally abandoned for days at a time.
"All the same, it's a nightmare. It feels as though it can't be true. What are we going to do about it?"
-ChatNoir-
The elusive M has been located. Apparently she didn't go headfirst down the stairs or slash her wrists in the bathtub...she just turned off her phone and forgot to turn it back on. She apparently didn't realize that anyone would be looking for her.
Um...HELLO!
In case she's forgotten, I'm here to remind her that she has a girlfriend who was worried sick for 19 hours because her emotional girlfriend forgot to turn on her fucking phone!
I wouldn't be so angry if I just didn't give a shit...right Ani?
It's pretty hard to stay pissed at someone who sounded so pathetic though. She's got to get this depression madness under control. I love her to death but I can't honestly commit myself forever- and- ever- Amen to a relationship where once every few weeks I'll be physically and emotionally abandoned for days at a time.
"All the same, it's a nightmare. It feels as though it can't be true. What are we going to do about it?"
-ChatNoir-
Get a Firm Grip, Girl...
...before you let go.
I don't know where M is. I haven't heard from her since she left a party last night and I've been reduced to a hand-wringing, whiny-voiced, frantically-phone calling, mushy girl mess. I love her, and though she may not know this yet, the rest of my life would feel incomplete without her.
I LOVE YOU!
What if she got into a car accident? What if she vodka'd herself into a drunken stupor and fell down the stairs? What if she accidentally mixed too much alcohol and Tylenol and she O.D.'d?
I just don't know, and that's the hardest part. I'm sure everything will be fine. Her phone probably died, or she passed out last night and didn't hear me calling, or she decided to call in sick to work today so she turned her phone off. I'm sure everything will be fine. But what if it's not?
I just need my girlfriend to pick up her goddamn phone and give me a call. Even just a text message saying "Hey honey, I'm fine- talk to you later." Or "Hey you skank-ass ho, I'm fine, stop calling my motherfucking phone and waking me up." Though I'd prefer the first one.
I just want to know that she's ok. Are you ok?
-ChatNoir-
I don't know where M is. I haven't heard from her since she left a party last night and I've been reduced to a hand-wringing, whiny-voiced, frantically-phone calling, mushy girl mess. I love her, and though she may not know this yet, the rest of my life would feel incomplete without her.
I LOVE YOU!
What if she got into a car accident? What if she vodka'd herself into a drunken stupor and fell down the stairs? What if she accidentally mixed too much alcohol and Tylenol and she O.D.'d?
I just don't know, and that's the hardest part. I'm sure everything will be fine. Her phone probably died, or she passed out last night and didn't hear me calling, or she decided to call in sick to work today so she turned her phone off. I'm sure everything will be fine. But what if it's not?
I just need my girlfriend to pick up her goddamn phone and give me a call. Even just a text message saying "Hey honey, I'm fine- talk to you later." Or "Hey you skank-ass ho, I'm fine, stop calling my motherfucking phone and waking me up." Though I'd prefer the first one.
I just want to know that she's ok. Are you ok?
-ChatNoir-
Monday, June 16, 2008
Falling in Love...
...is so hard on the knees.
Strange how we think we're the only ones who ever worry about this stuff.
Will she say it back?
Don't know, couldn't say...but I have to find out.
I'm going to give this a shot today because I don't much care to be the Amandine anymore. Such a silly existence. Five hours of work and not a minute spent working. Nerves: 1, ChatNoir: 0. But my odds are increasing with every passing day. 5 months on Friday- that's gotta mean something, right?
M asked me yesterday if it was crazy she was thinking about how much she hopes we move in together someday. She said she didn't know what to do because her landlord will be asking her to renew her lease in October, but she's hoping that by next year we'll be living together. I told her I think about the same things.
It seems rather silly to me to talk about living together and adopting pets (good ol' U-Haulin', turkey-bastin' lezzies) when we haven't dredged up the courage to say the l-word yet. Perhaps tonight.
"Here's to temperence!" ...and nerves o' steel.
-ChatNoir-
Strange how we think we're the only ones who ever worry about this stuff.
Will she say it back?
Don't know, couldn't say...but I have to find out.
I'm going to give this a shot today because I don't much care to be the Amandine anymore. Such a silly existence. Five hours of work and not a minute spent working. Nerves: 1, ChatNoir: 0. But my odds are increasing with every passing day. 5 months on Friday- that's gotta mean something, right?
M asked me yesterday if it was crazy she was thinking about how much she hopes we move in together someday. She said she didn't know what to do because her landlord will be asking her to renew her lease in October, but she's hoping that by next year we'll be living together. I told her I think about the same things.
It seems rather silly to me to talk about living together and adopting pets (good ol' U-Haulin', turkey-bastin' lezzies) when we haven't dredged up the courage to say the l-word yet. Perhaps tonight.
"Here's to temperence!" ...and nerves o' steel.
-ChatNoir-
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