I Don't Want to Wind Up...

...being parted, broken-hearted.

I just got an interview for SafeHouse Center's open position for a Domestic Violence Legal Advocate for the 14-1 and 14-2 district courts. It would pay $22,000 annually, plenty to cover rent and living expenses while I'm in school. I should be thrilled about this. Unfortunately, I think depression ravages like bullets and I stood in the crossfire.

Everything I do this week is tainted by this constant nagging, lonely unease that I just can't shake. After Michelle, I never wanted to fall for someone like this again. I never wanted to feel like my world would end if I couldn't be with that person. I'm independent and resourceful and smart as hell...and I'm scared to death of losing her.

I got over Michelle fine enough, but that girl fucked me up in ways I didn't realize until now. I am thoroughly and utterly convinced that everything is my fault. I know in my head it isn't true- I mean, it was clearly Michelle who ruined our relationship, something for which I am eternally grateful (trust me, I dodged a bullet with that one...). But now that M has started pulling away a little, for whatever reason, my gut keeps telling me that it's because of something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say. It's because I wasn't supportive enough or I was too clingy. Because I wasn't there enough or didn't know when to leave. Because I was too aloof or too present. Either way, whatever the reason, I'm to blame for what's going on.

It's hell on Earth to not know what's going on with a relationship. I don't want things to end- I want to be with M for a long time. But why is this going on so long? Why won't she talk to me? Why won't she respond to my messages? I haven't contacted her since "the incident" last night- I wanted to give her space and I was hoping she'd contact me of her own volition. So far...nothing. I wonder how much longer my nerves will hold out...

-ChatNoir-